SUPER LOVE FOR SUPER SEX/LOVE-MAP LANDMARKS: DESCRIBE YOUR OWN “SEX
IMPRINT,” YOUR OWN PRIVATE “FETISH”
The term “fetish” has specific clinical meanings, but for the purpose of this interview, it was defined as an object that can lead to sexual arousal. Think of your own sexual turn-ons. Does soft, hard, cool, warm, rough, rigid, or some other characteristic seem to hold erotic stimulation for you? Mild, even strong preferences for certain clothing, colors, shoes, and fashions are natural. When these things become necessary adjuncts, even substitutes, then the love map develops roadblocks for mature love.
Dr. John Money, in his book Love and Love Sickness, describes “paraphilias,” sexual responsiveness to unusual or socially unacceptable stimuli. More frequent in men than women, paraphilia literally means “aside from love.” One husband reported, “I just love hair. Long, full hair. Just the hair can turn me on.” He came to the clinic because his wife felt that he was a “pervert” (she actually said he was a “pervert”) because he had “this hair thing.” Through counseling, the couple learned together to move “this hair thing” from necessity adjunct in their sexual interaction to a strong preference, with the wife able to enjoy with her husband different hairstyles during some of their sexual interactions.
“I would have never believed it. I even put on wigs. It’s fun, but it’s not all the time,” reported his wife.
“It really gets me that she will share in this thing. I get turned on with her and she gets turned on that I am turned on, just so long as the whole thing does not replace my feelings for her,” reported the husband.
Think of objects that have some erotic value to you. Try to think of three such objects, even if it at first seems impossible. The spouses were able to come up with such objects after some prodding. Place these at some point along the “arousal line” below and have your partner do the same. Discuss these objects, your feelings about them, and how and why you think these objects came to have erotic value. This is a helpful step to the sexual disclosure necessary for super sex.
(slight turn-on real turn-on necessary for turn-on)
Here is one example from one of the men: “I would put a soft and silky nightie, like a robe, at the slight turn-on level. Real strong perfume, I mean like the dime-store type, is a real turn-on. I guess that’s because I had a babysitter who wore that stuff when I was getting sexual. Necessary for a turn-on would be, let’s see, that’s more difficult. Oh yes, I would say smooth legs. I hate stubble.”
His wife reported the following: “I get slightly turned on to the most gentle hint of aftershave. Now, tight colored underwear is a real turn-on. I hate boxer shorts. They remind me of my father. Necessary turn-on? Well, I can’t make love with anyone, anyone at all, unless they have nicely manicured fingernails. I remember my uncle always had dirty or broken nails, and that still turns my love button to past off.”
As these spouses reported another sex imprint, their fetish imprint, you can see the impact of early childhood experiences in both examples. Stubble, dirty fingernails, and boxer shorts are on the love maps, whether these people wanted them there or not.
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