SUPER LOVE FOR SUPER SEX/LOVE-MAP LANDMARKS: DESCRIBE YOUR OWN “SEX

IMPRINT,” YOUR OWN PRIVATE “FETISH”

The term “fetish” has specific clinical meanings, but for the purpose of this interview, it was defined as an object that can lead to sexual arousal. Think of your own sexual turn-ons. Does soft, hard, cool, warm, rough, rigid, or some other characteristic seem to hold erotic stimulation for you? Mild, even strong preferences for certain clothing, colors, shoes, and fashions are natural. When these things become necessary adjuncts, even substitutes, then the love map develops roadblocks for mature love.

Dr. John Money, in his book Love and Love Sickness, describes “paraphilias,” sexual responsiveness to unusual or socially unacceptable stimuli. More frequent in men than women, paraphilia literally means “aside from love.” One husband reported, “I just love hair. Long, full hair. Just the hair can turn me on.” He came to the clinic because his wife felt that he was a “pervert” (she actually said he was a “pervert”) because he had “this hair thing.” Through counseling, the couple learned together to move “this hair thing” from necessity adjunct in their sexual interaction to a strong preference, with the wife able to enjoy with her husband different hairstyles during some of their sexual interactions.

“I would have never believed it. I even put on wigs. It’s fun, but it’s not all the time,” reported his wife.

“It really gets me that she will share in this thing. I get turned on with her and she gets turned on that I am turned on, just so long as the whole thing does not replace my feelings for her,” reported the husband.

Think of objects that have some erotic value to you. Try to think of three such objects, even if it at first seems impossible. The spouses were able to come up with such objects after some prodding. Place these at some point along the “arousal line” below and have your partner do the same. Discuss these objects, your feelings about them, and how and why you think these objects came to have erotic value. This is a helpful step to the sexual disclosure necessary for super sex.

(slight turn-on real turn-on necessary for turn-on)

Here is one example from one of the men: “I would put a soft and silky nightie, like a robe, at the slight turn-on level. Real strong perfume, I mean like the dime-store type, is a real turn-on. I guess that’s because I had a babysitter who wore that stuff when I was getting sexual. Necessary for a turn-on would be, let’s see, that’s more difficult. Oh yes, I would say smooth legs. I hate stubble.”

His wife reported the following: “I get slightly turned on to the most gentle hint of aftershave. Now, tight colored underwear is a real turn-on. I hate boxer shorts. They remind me of my father. Necessary turn-on? Well, I can’t make love with anyone, anyone at all, unless they have nicely manicured fingernails. I remember my uncle always had dirty or broken nails, and that still turns my love button to past off.”

As these spouses reported another sex imprint, their fetish imprint, you can see the impact of early childhood experiences in both examples. Stubble, dirty fingernails, and boxer shorts are on the love maps, whether these people wanted them there or not.

*85\97\8*

ANXIETY DISORDERS: IN SEARCH OF SELF

Over the years we built the image of who we thought we should be. We lived our lives with an uneasy feeling that we were not who we appeared to be. If we were not who we appeared to be, then who were we? We didn’t know. We were never able to answer the question.

The anxiety and/or the attacks blasted into our lives. They pushed past our control and steamrolled our defences. The image we had of ourselves crumbled with the weight of its own illusion. The disintegration of ourselves continued and our seemingly solid foundations of our self and our life were torn down.

Suddenly we were thrown back onto ourselves and we had nothing left as an identity. Our sense of inadequacy, our lack of confidence and lack of self-esteem became predominant. We felt helpless and isolated. Our need to be in control was the only defence we had left. We tightened our grip on it because we felt that total annihilation of ourselves was only an attack away.

We became separated from our real selves through a lifetime of suppression and, when we needed it most, we felt that we had nothing to give us strength or support. Our sense of helplessness and isolation increased dramatically. These feelings of helplessness and isolation are a measure of the degree to which we are separate from our self. It is the ultimate separation anxiety.

All of us search for external answers to our difficulties, but we don’t realise we are looking in the wrong direction. Although we may find temporary measures to sustain us, we don’t recognise or feel the enormous potential of our self which is waiting to assist us.

*99\94\8*

SOME FACTS ABOUT CANCER SURGERY – RESULT OF OPERATION

This is not to say that having an operation cannot possibly result in some patients dying of cancer a bit sooner than they would have otherwise. For example, it is known that anaesthetics and stress depress the function of the immune system. Experiments on animals with extensive cancer have shown that those that have a ‘look and see’ operation do die, on average, a little earlier than animals which do not. Notice that I said animals having a ‘look and see’ operation, not animals having an operation at which something is done to the cancer.

Try to keep these facts in perspective. If your cancer is apparently localised, surgery probably offers you the best, and maybe the only, chance of cure. If it is extensive, surgery could be the best way of controlling or preventing very unpleasant symptoms. If you stand to gain a lot from surgery, the possible temporary effects of the stress and anaesthetic on your immune system would not be enough to outweigh the probable benefit. On the other hand, they could be if your planned operation has only a small chance of achieving some minor and temporary benefit.

*224/40/1*